Jokes, the timeless elixir of joy and mirth, have the extraordinary power to unite us in shared laughter. This collection of jokes is a comedic journey that promises to lift your spirits and brighten your day.
In this list, each joke has been infused with a unique twist, ensuring a delightful blend of humor that spans various genres. Whether you revel in the charm of witty one-liners or savor the brilliance of absurdly clever anecdotes, this collection caters to every taste.
Jump to:
- 1. Sally's Swing
- 2. A Pint-sized Pianist
- 3. The Fruitful Island
- 4. Beekeeper's Bonus
- 5. Hippo vs. Zippo
- 6. Italian Lesson on the Bus
- 7. An Irish Pub Tradition
- 8. Bread in the Zoo
- 9. Scuba Diving Logic
- 10. The Pen
- 11. Deodorant Dilemma
- 12. Double Diagnosis
- 13. The Hunter’s Logic
- 14. The Banana Antics
- 15. The Talking Dog
- 16. Legless Loyalty
- 17. The Blind Man
- 18. The Outhouse Overture
- 19. The Pickup Convoy
- 20. Tom Jones Syndrome
- 21. Moth's Therapy Session
- 22. Drunken Heroism
- 23. The Famous Dave
- 24. Vampiric Bragging Rights
- 25. The Mermaid's Wardrobe
- 26. The Pricey Bet
- 27. Hollywood Encounter
- 28. The Statistical Twist
- 29. DEA on the Ranch
- 30. Divine Dispatch
- 31. Penguin Pit Stop
1. Sally's Swing
Why did Sally fall out of the swing?
Because she has no arms.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Not Sally.
2. A Pint-sized Pianist
One Redditor shared a hilarious tale that begins with a fella strolling into a bar and tossing a challenge at the bartender:
The fella said, "I'll show you something incredible for a beer." The bartender, always up for a bit of excitement, nods in agreement.
Out comes the guy's trump card — a 10" pianist pulled from his pocket, perched on the bar, and belting out a beautiful melody.
The bartender, utterly amazed, blurts out, "Where in the world did you find that little maestro!?"
With a mischievous grin, the guy spills the beans, "I've got a tiny wizard in my other pocket. For just one more beer, you can make a wish."
Curiosity piqued, and the bartender eagerly said, "Alright, wizard, I'd like a hundred thousand bucks!" Anticipation fills the air.
Suddenly, the bar is flooded, not with money but with an overwhelming quack chorus of 100,000 ducks. The bartender, a mix of bewilderment and irritation, exclaims, "What in the world, mate?! I didn't ask for 100,000 ducks!"
The guy, unfazed, "Well, you think I asked for a 10" pianist?"
3. The Fruitful Island
Three people find themselves stranded on an island with cannibals. The cannibals promise not to harm them if they follow orders. The first order: "Go into the forest and pick 5 fruits of the first kind you see."
The first person returns with 10 apples. The cannibals instruct, "Put the apples up your rear without making a facial expression." Unfortunately, the person fails, and the cannibals kill him.
The second person emerges with 10 cherries, but laughter on the tenth cherry leads to his demise.
In heaven, the apple person asks the cherry person, "Why did you start laughing at the tenth one?" He answered: "I saw the third person coming out with pineapples!"
4. Beekeeper's Bonus
I visited a beekeeper to snag 12 bees. After counting, he handed me 13.
"Sir, you gave me an extra," I pointed out.
He grinned and replied, "That's a freebie."
5. Hippo vs. Zippo
What’s the disparity between a hippo and a zippo?
One is seriously hefty, and the other? Well, it's just a little lighter.
6. Italian Lesson on the Bus
A bus stops, and two Italian men hop on, engaging in a loud and animated conversation. Seated behind them, a lady initially ignores their discussion, but her interest is piqued when she overhears snippets of their talk.
As one of the men says, "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more."
The lady, appalled, can't hold back any longer. She yells, "We don't talk about that in public places here!"
The Italian man, unfazed, responds, "Hey, coola down, lady. Imma just tell my friend howa to spella Mississippi!"
7. An Irish Pub Tradition
This Redditor weaves a tale set in a lively pub where an Irish gentleman saunters in with a request for three pints of Guinness.
The bartender, with a welcoming grin, inquires, "What will you have?"
The Irishman confidently declares, "Three pints of Guinness, please."
The bartender promptly delivers the trio of dark, frothy pints, and the man begins a peculiar ritual — sipping each one alternately, from the first to the last, until they are all drained. He then beckons for three more.
Perplexed but intrigued, the bartender remarks, "Sir, I've noticed your penchant for icy brews. No need to order in triplicate; I can keep 'em coming, frosty and fresh, as you go."
With a mysterious smile, the man explains, "You see, I've got two brothers, one down under and one across the pond. We vowed to share a drink every Saturday night. So, as we speak, my siblings are also sipping on three pints of Guinness, and we’re toasting together."
The bartender, touched by the camaraderie, grins and says, "What a heartwarming tradition!"
Week after week, the man adheres to his routine, entering the pub and ordering three beers. However, one fateful Saturday, he breaks the pattern and asks for only two. He savors them, then signals for two more. Concern etches the bartender's face as he remarks, "I understand your tradition, and I'm sorry to hear about your brother's passing."
To his surprise, the Irishman chuckles and replies, "Oh, me brothers are doing just fine. I just decided to give up drinking.”
8. Bread in the Zoo
During a zoo visit, the man stumbled upon a peculiar sight—a baguette in a cage.
Intrigued, he asked the zookeeper.
His deadpan response: "Oh, it's bread in captivity."
9. Scuba Diving Logic
Why do scuba divers fall out of the boat backward?
Because if they fell forward, they would still be in the boat.
10. The Pen
"Doctor, Doctor, I swallowed a pen!"
"Well, sit down and write your name."
11. Deodorant Dilemma
The man strolls into the pharmacy and asks for some deodorant.
The pharmacist queries, "The ball kind?"
He responds, "Just for under the arms is fine."
12. Double Diagnosis
In a doctor's office, a man receives a somber revelation.
The doctor, a bearer of unsettling news, begins, "I have two pieces of bad news for you."
Eager to know, the man inquires, "What are they?"
The doctor, maintaining composure, delivers the first blow, "Well, the first piece of news is that you have cancer."
Anticipating the second revelation, the man leans in, "What's the 2nd piece of news?"
With a steady gaze, the doctor drops the bombshell, "The 2nd piece of bad news is that you have Alzheimer's."
Unexpectedly, the man bursts into laughter.
Perplexed, the doctor questions, "Why are you laughing?"
The man, still chuckling, replies, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."
13. The Hunter’s Logic
Two hunters from Illinois find themselves in the woods when one suddenly cries out in pain, tumbling down a hill and clutching his chest upon impact. His friend, in a panic, rushes to his side, only to find him unresponsive. Pulling out his phone, the concerned hunter dials 911.
The dispatcher answers, "911, what is your emergency?"
The hunter frantically explains, "I'm near Route 51; my friend had a heart attack, and I think he's dead! What should I do?"
The dispatcher calmly advises, "It's okay, sir. Can you calm down and make sure he's really dead?" The hunter agrees, and after a moment of silence, a gunshot echoes over the phone.
The hunter returns to the line, asking, "Okay, now what?"
14. The Banana Antics
This Redditor's ultimate go-to party story begins with…
Once upon a time, in Bulgaria, there was a man who lived out his childhood dream of driving trains. He reveled in the thrill of speeding locomotives, making them race at breakneck speeds. Unfortunately, his love for velocity led to a fateful day when a reckless move resulted in a tragic train crash, claiming one life. The man faced the consequences in court and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
As execution day arrived, he perplexed everyone by requesting a single banana as his last meal. After devouring the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, but to everyone's amazement, nothing happened. According to an old Bulgarian law, a failed execution was seen as divine intervention, and the man was set free. Amazingly, despite the close call, he resumed his duties as a train driver.
True to form, the man repeated his reckless habits, causing another train crash that claimed two lives. Once again, he faced trial, received a death sentence, and, for his final meal, requested two bananas. After consuming the bananas, he faced the electric chair once more, emerging unscathed. The pattern continued when he caused yet another fatal crash, this time claiming three lives.
On the day of his third execution, the man, confident as ever, asked for his final meal: three bananas. However, the executioner had had enough of the banana antics. Against protocol, the man was strapped into the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was thrown, and to everyone's astonishment, the man remained unharmed.
In a moment of silence, the executioner, dumbfounded, asked how the bananas had played a role in his survival. With a wry smile, the man replied, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."
15. The Talking Dog
A curious guy spots a sign that reads, "Talking Dog $5." Intrigued, he approaches the owner and skeptically asks, "Does this dog really talk?"
The owner confidently replies, "Yep."
Unconvinced, the man challenges, "No way!"
Suddenly, the dog speaks up, "It's true, I can talk."
The man, wide-eyed, exclaims, "Holy crap!”
The dog proceeds to spin a yarn, claiming a circus sideshow stint, followed by recruitment by the CIA as a spy. According to the dog, no one suspects the canine in the room of eavesdropping on state secrets. After two spy tours, the dog retired to the countryside.
Shocked, the man says, "My god, that's the most amazing thing I've ever heard! So, why the heck are you only selling him for $5?"
The owner deadpans, "Because that dog is a liar. He didn't do any of that crap!”
16. Legless Loyalty
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It does not matter; he won't come anyway.
17. The Blind Man
Why did the blind man fall into the well?
He couldn't see that well.
18. The Outhouse Overture
On the banks of the Yangtze River, a family had their outhouse pushed into the water. The father gathered his three sons: young, teen, and almost adult. Lining them up, he interrogated each one about the outhouse's aquatic adventure.
Addressing the youngest, he asked, "Did you push the outhouse into the Yangtze River?"
The boy turned his gaze to the left, fixated on the big red house they had painted together. Moving down the line, the father queried the next son, who swallowed audibly, looking straight up. Finally, he turned to the eldest, "Did you push the outhouse into the Yangtze River?" The boy met his father's eyes and confidently denied any involvement.
The father then proceeded to say, "I am going to tell you a story, and by the end, you will tell me who pushed the outhouse into the river." Intrigued, the boys listened as their father spun a yarn: "One day, a little boy chopped down his father's cherry tree. Instead of lying, he told the truth, and his dad rewarded him, gave him money, and he grew up to be George Washington, the president of the United States."
The youngest, overcome by guilt, stepped forward and confessed, "It was I, father. It’s me who pushed the outhouse into the river."
Without hesitation, the father swiftly disciplined his son with a belt, to which the boy protested, "But… you said!"
The father calmly replied, "George Washington's father wasn't sitting in the cherry tree!"
19. The Pickup Convoy
A Chevy Silverado, a Ford F150, a RAM 1500, a GMC Sierra, and a Toyota Tundra decide to form a convoy.
- The best pickup line ever!
20. Tom Jones Syndrome
This Redditor recounted a plea for help as a man confided in his doctor.
In a plea for help, a man tells the doctor, "I can't stop singing 'What's New Pussycat.'"
The doctor diagnoses, "Ah, that sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
Puzzled, the man asks, "Is it common?"
The doctor deadpans, "It's not unusual."
21. Moth's Therapy Session
A moth walks into a podiatrist's office, and the podiatrist asks, "What seems to be the problem, moth?" The moth unloads his existential struggles.
He pours out, "Where do I begin, man? I work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long, I toil. Honestly, doc, I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I don't even know if Gregory knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that brings him happiness. But I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and there. At night, I sometimes wake up next to some old lady on my arm—a lady I once loved, doc. I don't know where to turn. My youngest, Alexandria, succumbed to the cold last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us. If only I weren't such a coward, then perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun and end this hellish facade. Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I'm a moth, barely hanging onto my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. I'm not feeling good."
The doctor, perplexed, responds, "Moth, man, you're troubled. But you should see a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?"
The moth nonchalantly states, "Cause the light was on."
22. Drunken Heroism
Two men are sipping drinks at the top of the Empire State Building. The first man, with a glint in his eye, shares a peculiar discovery. "Last week, I found out that if you jump from here, the winds are so intense that by the 10th floor, they carry you around the building and back into a window." The bartender, unimpressed, wipes the bar, silently disapproving.
The second guy scoffs, "You're nuts! There's no way that could happen."
The first man insists, "No, it's true. Let me prove it." He boldly jumps over the balcony, plummeting towards the street. As he nears the 10th floor, the winds whip him around the building and back into the 10th-floor window. He calmly takes the elevator back up.
Astonished, the second man says, "I saw that, but it must have been a one-time fluke." Determined, the first man jumps again, effortlessly carried by the wind around the building and into the window. Eager to try, the second man jumps, hurtling past floors 11, 10, 9, 8... and hits the sidewalk with a SPLAT.
Back upstairs, the bartender turns to the remaining drinker and deadpans, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."
23. The Famous Dave
Dave, the self-proclaimed "know-it-all," boasts to his boss that he knows everyone. The boss challenges him with Tom Cruise, and to everyone's surprise, they end up at Cruise's house, welcomed as old friends. Still skeptical, the boss challenges Dave with President Obama, leading to a coffee chat at the White House.
Not fully convinced, the boss throws another name at Dave, "The pope." Undeterred, Dave takes them to Rome, promising a balcony appearance with the Pope. As Dave disappears into the crowd, he returns later with the Pope on the balcony. However, when Dave returns to his boss, he finds him surrounded by paramedics.
Concerned, Dave asks, "What happened?"
The boss, struggling, replies, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony, and the man next to me said, 'Who the heck is that on the balcony with Dave?'"
24. Vampiric Bragging Rights
In a vampire clan, three members vie for the title of the best vampire. They decide to compete. The first one goes to a nearby village and returns in ten minutes, proudly saying, "See that house over there? I drained the whole family."
The second vampire disappears into the village, returning in five minutes, stating, "See the church over there? I drained everyone inside."
The third vampire heads out and comes back in one minute, his face covered in blood.
He smirks and says, "See that tree over there? I didn't."
25. The Mermaid's Wardrobe
Ever wondered why the little mermaid wears seashells?
Because she is simply too big for b shells!
26. The Pricey Bet
This Redditor shared a bold and hilarious tale of a man's confident wager with a bartender.
A man confidently wagers the bartender $300 that he can skillfully pee into a cup across the bar without missing a drop. Skeptical but intrigued, the bartender accepts the challenge.
The man proceeds to unleash a wild stream, dousing the entire bar—bottles, bartender, everything—except for the cup. The bartender, grinning, claims victory, but the man nonchalantly strolls to the pool table, sharing laughs and handshakes. Returning to the bar, he hands over the $300, chuckling.
Puzzled, the bartender asks, "Why are you laughing? You lost the bet."
The man answered, "I'm laughing because I bet those fellows over there $1,000 that I could drench you and your bar, and you'd still be laughing."
27. Hollywood Encounter
Two Hollywood stars meet at the door of their psychiatrist's office.
One says, "Hello, there. Are you coming or going?"
The other replies, "If I knew that, I wouldn't be here."
28. The Statistical Twist
Four pals are chilling together.
Suddenly, one of them drops a fact bomb, saying, "You know, statistically, 1 in 4 guys is gay."
Larry, quick with his wit, chimes in, "Well, I hope it’s Chad; that guy's really cute!”
29. DEA on the Ranch
A DEA officer rolls up to a ranch, declaring, "I need to inspect your place for any illegal plant parties." The rancher calmly responds, "Sure thing, but steer clear of that field," pointing towards the specified location.
The DEA officer, flexing his federal authority, explodes, "Mister, I've got the mighty Federal Government on my side!" He proudly whips out his badge, and said, "This badge means I can go anywhere, anytime! No questions asked!” The rancher, polite but unimpressed, nods and resumes his work.
Not long after, piercing screams pierced the air. The rancher looks up to see the DEA officer running for his life as the rancher's bull hotly pursues him. With each stride, the bull narrows the gap, raising the stakes for a potential goring.
In a heroic attempt to assist, the rancher rushes to the fence and hollers at the top of his lungs, "Show him your badge, mister! Show him your BADGE!!"
30. Divine Dispatch
One night, a father overhears his daughter's bedtime prayers: "God bless mommy, daddy, and goodbye grandpa." Puzzled, he questions her prayers. Her response is casual, "I don't know, just felt like saying it." The following day, grandpa unexpectedly departs. Odd coincidence, the dad thinks.
A month later, the daughter's prayer takes another twist: "God bless mommy, daddy, and goodbye grandma." The next day, grandma bids her earthly farewell. Suspicion looms, but the dad remains uncertain.
Months pass, and the daughter's bedtime ritual takes a chilling turn: "God bless mommy..." She glances at her father, adds, "and goodbye daddy." Panic sets in. The man, paralyzed with fear, spends a sleepless night. The following day, he barricades himself at work, dodging destiny.
At midnight, realizing he has seemingly outsmarted fate, he heads home. But his wife, irate, confronts him about his mysterious day. Distraught, he shares, "Don't be angry; I've had an absolutely miserable day."
Curiosity piqued, the wife retorts, "Miserable day? I'm the one who had a miserable day! First, the milkman drops dead on the steps..."
31. Penguin Pit Stop
This Redditor recounts a funny story from a penguin's well-deserved vacation road trip out west.
On a well-deserved vacation, a penguin takes a road trip out west, only to have his car break down. Luckily, it happens right in front of a town mechanic. The penguin drops off the car and heads to get some lunch. Afterward, he indulges in a sweet treat at the ice cream shop.
Returning to the mechanic, the penguin is informed, "It looks like you blew a seal."
Laughter ensues as the penguin wipes his mouth and says, "Oh, no. It's just ice cream."
